Being Used vs. Being of Use

Subscribers to this newsletter are probably inclined to have already dipped in and out of the work of hosting, conflict, and community facilitator Priya Parker. If not, here's your invitation!

I am continuing to try to figure out a sustainable model for this space while returning to a solidly full-time work portfolio. (I've added this role to this mix—stay tuned for a return to my obsession with storytelling, or add your name here to receive straight from the source.) In the midst of all that, I promise I will try not to simply resort to sending you a note every time Ezra Klein hosts an especially relevant conversation.

And, nevertheless, that is what I'm doing today. 😄

In particular, the distinction between "being used" and "being of use" in Klein and Parker's conversation has me reeling through everything I thought I knew about "the ties that bind" and how they might be more blessed and more effective:

For those of us asking for a friend and who have never made it through Buber’s “I and Thou,” what is “I–Thou” versus “I–It”?

So “I–Thou” is an idea that the relationship between you and me is sacred. It’s divine. And by the way, this is in many cultures. There’s a Hindu version of this. Basically, every interaction between us is a relationship that, whether or not you believe in God, has the potential to be holy, to be sacred.

And when “I” turn you into an “It” — into an object — we’ve basically broken that sacred interaction.

What turns me into an “It” for you?

Hosting a party where I need bodies in the room versus hosting a party where I deeply think about who I want to be there because I care about them.

So it’s instrumentalizing other people.

It’s transactionalizing. It’s using people rather than making them of use.

I’ll give a simple example. Right now, when people are thinking about how to gather, a lot of the reasons I think people don’t gather is because a lot of the gatherings are vague and diluted, and you would actually rather be home Netflixing and chilling.

I saw this recently on Instagram. There was a woman who was hosting a baby shower, but the baby shower was all of her friends coming over with sponges, listening to music, scrubbing her walls, having the best time. They were actually feeling like they were of use to her.

She needed a clean house. She was completely overwhelmed. They came over rocking, and it went totally viral because it’s very moving.

They weren’t being used — they were being of use: I want to be part. I want to know how I can help you in this time of need. I want to know that I can help.

A lot of people don’t even think anyone needs them. It’s so lonely.

It's subtle, but it's incredibly important for we leaders of volunteer organizations and initiatives. I'll definitely be thinking about extending to others a clear invitation to "be of use" next time I host. Maybe you too?

And, of course, the whole conversation is worth a listen.

Stray Link

Storytelling for Belonging – My workshop slides from last week's excellent onsite Forma Conference in Denver. There's a storytelling facilitation guide in here (image below) adapted from multiple models I've encountered that seemed to work really well for the folks in the room. Hope it can be of use to you.